Emmanuel.

O come, O come, Emmanuel 
And ransom captive Israel 
That mourns in lonely exile here 
Until the Son of God appear

Being a musician and someone who has graced many a choir I have lost count of how many times I have sung these words. When you sing a song as much as I have sang such Christmas carols something happens, they lose the weight and the message.

I haven’t written much lately, haven’t really felt the inspiration. I have looked back through my past posts and have seen lots of growth over this year. I have written about grieving, I have written about growing and I have written about persistence. While all of that is amazing and I am truly thankful for the growth I have experienced this year, the weight and the burden of 2020 has left and imprint on my heart. Moving in the middle of a pandemic, away from family, with a toddler and an infant has stretched me tremendously. Moving 10+ hours away during a pandemic has made it near impossible to make new friends. Which has made this transition extremely isolating and lonely, especially being a stay at home mama. I went from teaching, directing and singing while raising my two babies with my incredible husband and strong village to a city I knew nothing about staying home most days to protect our family. Which means I spend 98% of my days doing the exact same things. Don’t get me wrong, I love our new house and I wouldn't want to miss this season with my girls but the reality is, being a stay at home mom this year has been super difficult.

I have felt like I am in some sort of groundhog day, stuck doing the same thing over and over again, how do you write something that will inspire people to have hope when I sweep the same snacks from under the table 10 times a day. I find that when the kids sleep during nap time I space out and can’t pick a task to do because in reality…. am I just gonna redo that in 20 min?

It is a weird irony to say that you are lonely when surrounded by people all day, however tiny they are. Most days I am sat on, slept on, peed on, thrown up on and sometimes pooped on. How can I be lonely while snuggling the two most precious kiddos on the planet. I love them with every fiber of my being, but it doesn’t always fill my human connection cup.

My incredible husband comes home from working so hard at work and we both just collapse at 9 pm because we are just so exhausted. I know I am not telling anyone anything new and I don’t want it to appear like I am complaining. We know how blessed we are to have a job and to be healthy right now. It is a huge blessing.

It’s the weight you know? The heaviness. The isolation… the loneliness.

I decorated for Christmas early this year and it was the best decision I could make. I felt a little bit of magic and sparkle starting to leak back into my heart. It was like an anticipation for something I couldn’t put my finger on. I have always been in love with the Christmas season. I believe in the magic of Christmas, always have and I always will. Those who know me well have joked with me saying I turn into a different person once December hits. I do, I really do.

As much as the spark started to ignite in my heart again, something was missing.

O come, O come, Emmanuel 
And ransom captive Israel 
That mourns in lonely exile here 
Until the Son of God appear

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

I have never actually researched the history behind this Christmas song, it is one of my favorites lyrically and musically. Originally a poem, these words actually have a lot of depth theologically as well. It has been around since the 8th century which is crazy. Now I was going to give you a whole historical breakdown of the song, and then God took this writing in a completely different direction. Don’t you love when he interrupts our plans and changes our course?!

This year has been hard. I have let it steal so much of my joy. I have sat in the darkness and questioned God. I have so many unanswered questions and I constantly feel like I am waiting, waiting for something that I can’t explain. Being quarantined for most of this year has felt much like lonely exile, dark, isolating and heavy.

I can’t imagine how it felt in biblical days wating for a messiah. They prayed, the believed and they waited. They waited.

I have a star hanging in my dining room. My incredible in-laws gave us this beautiful star. When decorating this year I had the task of finding new places to put our decor since we moved. I had the idea of setting up my old nativity from when I was a kid so that my girls can start understanding the true beauty of the Christmas story. Yes, presents are nice & Santa is fun & no one is more of a kid on Christmas than I am but I wanted them to really understand why Christmas is so beautiful to me. It is because of Jesus. So I created this little nativity scene and I used this incredible star to represent the star of Bethlehem… I adore this little corner and at night time, that star shines incredibly bright.

Can you imagine what it felt like to see that star? To understand the significance behind that star? The waiting, the yearning and finally it happens. The Messiah has come. Emmanuel is born.

I was explaining the story to my 3 year old daughter, Elliana, when something I never noticed jumped out at me.

The innkeeper.

We never really think about the innkeeper. We always talk about the fact that there was no room at the inn, but we never think about the person that had to turn away Mary who was basically in labor. How stressed did that inn keeper have to be to not recognize or not understand the importance of that moment. Now I know that He was always meant to be born humbly and that is part of what makes it so amazing, but I sometimes would love to have been there to see how these people felt. These are actual people after all.

Did they regret it? Did they realize who they turned away?

Then the ugly pride in my heart showed up… I would have made room for them.

That implies that there is space to be made.

Then it hit me.

I shouldn’t have to make room in my heart for someone who should already have it entirely.

I have no room for Jesus.

I have been filling all this space in my life with worthless things trying desperately to fill Jesus size void that nothing can fill. I am going to these empty wells time and time again and wondering why I am still thirsty. I spend my days listening to lies and feeling like a failure when God has equipped me to handle what he has created me for. I fill my time with fears and worries and stress over my kids and feeling like I’m always behind. I question where Jesus has gone and why I feel so alone when I have replaced my time with him with things that won’t bring me joy or peace. I am distracted, not just because of my adhd, but because I am not allowing myself the opportunity to sit in His presence. I allow myself to get caught up in the fear and anxiety of this world forgetting the God I serve has already overcome the world. Yet I sit in the exile I have created for myself awaiting a messiah that has already come and is already Emmanuel (God with us).

Now I know that this year is the exception to a lot right now, but I think I have forgotten how to fight the loneliness, the anxiety and the heaviness. I have forgotten that I have access to all the strength that I need. It is all about perspective, all about my mindset.

Guys, this is hard. No one is saying that quarantining since march is fun, easy or enjoyable. I think I have just giving up. I sit in the dark complaining that its dark, mad that it is dark, feeling fear that I can’t see and the light switch is right above my head.

I want to make room for Jesus.

I want to make sure I always have room for Emmanuel.

Emmanuel means God with us.

While you are waiting, yearning and exhausted…make sure you find room for Emmanuel.

“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” Revelation 3:20.

KB.