8 Struggles I Faced as a New Mom

8 Truths about the first months of motherhood that I wasn’t prepared for.

As someone who was told it would be extremely difficult to have kiddos I couldn’t have been more excited to bring my little miracle home from the hospital.  I had finally made it through labor, exhausted and scared when they handed me this fragile life and let us leave the hospital with her. My first thought was, “I am responsible for keeping this perfect, precious yet so fragile life alive, fed and loved. HOW?” Peter and I checked the car seat a million times before we finally shut the door and drove home 10 miles under the speed limit. Precious cargo was the understatement of the century.  I stared at her the entire way home because naturally I couldn’t sit in the front seat, I had to make sure she was ok! Every tiny bump caused me to panic. “Is she ok, is she breathing, maybe we strapped her in too tight, we should pull over and make sure she’s comfortable.” Oh Kristen, how you will grow!

I heard a quote that was terrifyingly true… 

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” -Elizabeth Stone 

How true is that quote.  I felt like someone had taken my heart and strapped it into the car seat and said “make sure nothing happens to it…” Im sorry what? I had heard from other mothers, women and fathers that the first months are the most magical months of your life.  You don’t care that its 3 am, you cannot wait to hold them again, they smell amazing (true) and everything just kinda falls into place. While parts of that are incredibly true, here are 8 things I didn’t expect to struggle through. Remember, this is my story and my journey. It may sound like I am being pessimistic and negative; I am not trying to be. I am simply sharing my journey. I have honestly never been happier in my life, but there were trails and hardships that I wish I would have felt the space to process with people sooner. I just want to open the door for communication and honesty as we dive into the craziness that is motherhood!

1.You may question if it’s worth it.  I remember one night during the first month of Ellie’s (my firstborn) life, to be honest I can’t remember the exact night because I had many nights like this, where the thoughts started getting a little heavy.  I had the thought no new mother wants to think, “Is this really worth it?” That thought haunted my mind on numerous nights when the sleep deprivation was too real.  I was rocking Ellie for 4th or 5th time that night and for some reason she would not stop screaming… I had tried everything.  I had begun to resent the cozy pink rocking chair I was sitting in that just 4 week prior I had set up doe-eyed and optimistically waiting to use.  With each rock, more and more tears came streaming down my face like they had been stored up waiting to be set free. Where was the magic? Let me encourage you mama, I have been there multiple nights, in a row! The only thing that made it better was persevering through the rough waters to feel the calm after the storm.  When her little hand would touch my face and her eyes would light up! Or better yet when I’d feel her tiny body finally stop fighting the sleep and just relaxed in my arms. Let me reassure you. There is magic here, breathe, whether the storm and know it will be worth it. Ask for help. *Put a really nice coffee maker on your registry*

2. You may resent the people around you. There is a weird thing that your postpartum hormones do that’s hard to recognize in the moment.  You start getting irritated with everyone who gets to have a normal life! Im not kidding, it will happen at some point. Once the excitement of the new baby wears off and the meal train stops coming to your door, everyone kid of moves on with their own life. Rightfully so! I remember making a snarky comment to one my friends who was leaving to go get dinner and before I could even find my missing filter, “Oh must be nice…” came tumbling out of my mouth like a train that came loose from the tracks. Thankfully she was super gracious and understood that I was just so sleep deprived. I didn’t know that I was saying. I even started resenting my poor husband… He was working so hard for our family and I couldn't help being jealous of our different roles. He has continually stepped up and is learning through this fatherhood thing too! Let me start off by reminding you that as much as this whole mom thing is new to you, it is also new for your partner.  So have a little grace on hand because they are learning too.  That being said, be prepared to battle the resentment that will come when you get up for the 100th time and your husband is sleeping like a little precious lamb. 

“I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I just want to sleep like my husband!”

As funny as that picture is, I remember a night when I actually glared at him like that! It was so hard for me to recognize the resentment building because I also felt guilty about feeling it. I would have saved so many angry nights and sad days if I had just communicated my feelings! Honestly, I am so lucky to have a partner like I do. Yes, I make sure that he can sleep because he has to work outside of the home and cannot be falling asleep during meetings. I have learned, and still learning, how to verbalize the ugly emotions. Comunicating helps you hear the lies and helps you figure out how to move forward in your journey. Maybe that means you need extra help! Maybe you both need to reprioritize the to do list so you can get a nap! Take all the help you can! For me, I felt like a failure when I asked for help which is so unhealthy. Recognize the resentment before it makes you feel bitter and angry to the people around you. Pause, take a breath and try to find a little grace.  It’s normal to feel like that, but no one really understands just how you feel.  This is normal, remember, your life may have changed but once you find your rhythm you’ll see it changed for the better!

3. Everyone has an opinion on how you feed your child. Let me find my soap box. Feed your child. Breastfeed, pump milk or buy formula.  Do not let other women shame you or guilt you into doing anything other than what you think is right for you child.  You are their mother.  Period.  For me, breastfeeding was an uphill battle.  I suffered from oversupply and engorgement.  I was in immense pain all the time.  Neither of my girls could latch properly when my milk came in. Further more, Ellie had a ridiculously high pallet and Shay just sucked to soothe.. awesome right!  This left me absolutely blistered and bleeding by day 5 and this was with both girls.  I tried EVERYTHING.  The nurses told me that if I wanted to breastfeed normally I’d have to pump at least 5-6 oz out before I could actually nurse.  Which would then send a message to my brain telling it that I needed to make more milk.  It was miserable.  I made the decision to pump and store for 6-7 months.  It was a full time job on top of keeping the babies alive haha. Then with Shaylee I ended up getting Mastitis and a 104 fever that landed me back at the hospital.  So, NO, my breastfeeding experience was not a magical bonding one.  It was full of pain, fear, anxiety, tears, anger, comparison and shame. I felt like a failure.  Mama, do not be like me. If breastfeeding or pumping is not something you can do, buy the formula. Put it in your cart and walk out smiling.  You are doing what is best for your child.  

4. It will take a long time to feel normal.  I read somewhere that postpartum recovery is called the ‘fourth trimester’ and I loved that. I was under the impression that when the baby came out there would a brief recovery and then everything would pretty much go back to normal for my body and my mind.  Cue the “AWWWEEE” from other mothers who knew better haha. There is NOTHING normal after you have a baby.  Everything changes.  The recovery is brutal.  I am just gonna tell it like it is because people tried to prepare me, but I still wasn’t totally prepared! You have 9 months of pregnancy, which if you were like me brought months and month of puking, heart burn and total discomfort; then you go through labor! I was not the lucky ladies that had glowing pregnancies and enjoyed being pregnant, so going through labor at the end of that process was a such a blast hahah!  You are already sleep deprived from your lack of sleep in the last couple weeks and you are nervous and absolutely done being pregnant! (cue the scene from F.R.I.E.N.D.S where Rachel is sceaming, “GET OUT GET OUT” to her belly…. I get it now). Then you go through labor.  Then after all the pain and hard work you bring your beautiful baby into the world. Let me stop and say that this moment… is pure magic. I will never downplay how hard it is to get there, but I can join the club of women that truly mean it when they say that IT. IS. ALL. WORTH. IT. I’d do it all again to have my sweet babies. There truly is no better feeling in the world. Then, after all of that, you start being a mom right away.  Which is beautiful and hard at the same time.  After maybe 24 hrs in the hospital with little sleep, you go home with your new baby… and you nurse every 3 hrs! Like WHAT!!! Hahah! You’re body is sore, achey and exhausted from the challenge of childbirth, & if you had a c-section you actually can’t lift anything! (you c-section mamas are warriors and don’t let anyone tell you differently.) Then, BONUS…you can’t go to the bathroom normally (sorry TMI). Nothing about this is normal.  Your hormones are ALL over the place and you feel so far removed from yourself that you may not recognize yourself in the mirror.  Then you get blessed with ‘baby blues’ which is a term used to describe why you cry all the time!! So you basically have no control of your emotions or your body for a bit! Sounds fun right! If you remember nothing from the blog post remember this: You are not alone in your struggle, you are not alone in this journey and you are not the first person who has thought or felt the way you do.  This mom stuff is no joke.  You are normal, you are not crazy, you are a mom. Welcome to the hood mama, let me pour you a cup of coffee and happily get you an ice pack to sit on! 😂

5. The Mom guilt is real. You will feel guilty about everything. You will second guess every decision and every emotion.  I remember taking an extra long shower, hearing Ellie crying and feeling guilty for enjoying the time alone while Peter watched her. I felt guilty all the time.  I overslept and felt guilty, I ate something spicy and automatically felt guilty for the SLIGHT chance it would upset Ellie’s stomach if it got into the milk. I felt guilty for not being happy and I felt guilty for crying.  I felt guilty for wanting my old life back.  Mom guilt is the worst.  The best way to change this pattern is to change the thought process.  It says in 2nd Corinthians 10:5 to ‘take every thought captive’.  This was a huge help in how to change my thinking patterns.  Once a thought entered my mind that promoted any type of negativity, I ‘took it captive’.  I recognized that it was a lie or that it was not helpful and I spoke truth to the lies.  I still battle this every day, but it has been easier to let some of the lies go.  

6. Some of your friendships will change. This one is still hard for me.  I was one of the first of my closest friends to have a baby.  Our “planned” timeline for having a baby got moved up due to some health issues on my part, so I was one of the first in my friend group to take this step.  I was scared. I am always so grateful for friendships and I take them very seriously.  It killed me when I didn’t have the capacity to be there for people like I used to.  I pride myself on being loyal and having a ‘the phone is always on & the door is always open’ kind of approach to friendships.  When I became a mother a lot changed and unfortunately friendships were one of them.  This is no ones fault, it just became harder to schedule dinner dates, and fun girls night out when I needed to pump every three hours and I probably wouldn’t last through the first 10 min of a movie.  Suddenly the idea of shoving extra bra pads into my tiny fashionable clutch purse in case my milk leaked didn’t really seem appealing! That’s ok!! You may get left out of some fun girls nights and some of your friends may not understand why your mental capacity is at 0.  Show them grace and except the grace they are showing you.  It is possible to find a new balance and a new rhythm.  Sometimes you see friends step up in ways you never could have asked for! It’s a weird new phase of lie for everyone. Do not shut people out while they are trying to learn this new chapter of your life.  Be patient during the transition and be honest with your circle about how you are struggling.  I watched one of my closest friends play with my kids for hours, I cried as she held my kids so I could take a shower and I thanked her as she took them to the park so I could basically sit in silence.  Things are ultimately going to change and that’s ok! Be vocal about your needs and thank your village for stepping up where you need them too.

7.  There is no off switch.  This one I am still working though with two young kiddos.  We don’t have a 9-5 job, we have a ‘from when I open my eye till I close my eyes’ kind of gig.  Even when the kids are sleeping we can’t really turn off our brains. I always laughed when people would say, “make sure you are sleeping when the baby sleeps!” Yea, ok… right. It’s to the point that I bring monitors into the bathroom while I shower and to be honest I can’t remember the last time I peed in peace! Im constantly worrying, researching, scheduling appointments, checking ingredients, researching ingredients, cleaning, laundry, cleaning again, laundry again and then best part of the gig which is lovin’ on these kiddos.  I don’t want this blog to come across as complaining, because I have never been more in love in my life.  My husband is amazing and my kiddos have completely stolen my heart.  I just want to draw attention to the obvious change that occurred the moment I saw two pink lines.  This really is the best job, but there really is no off switch.  This is true for stay at home moms, full time working moms and part time working mom… so, you know, ALL MOMS.  Your life really does completely change.  It’s beautiful and fulfilling and mostly magical.  However, sometimes it messy and overwhelming and slightly isolating. This job is no joke. Once again I will say, it is all worth it. They are worth it.

8. PPD & PPA. When I was pregnant I did a lot of research on the affects of postpartum depression. I read a lot about how to handle it and the warning signs to watch out for. This is such a hard road to walk down and if you have ever struggled with PPD, I salute you. What I wasn’t prepared for was the other side of the coin. Postpartum Anxiety. I was tracking my emotions and was constantly looking for symptoms of PPD so the anxiety really snuck up on me. Now I will say that I am a naturally anxious and worried person and I know that when I have hormonal changes that my emotions go crazy. I couldn’t take birth control because that made my anxiety sky rocket and during my pregnancy I was an emotional wreck. I also have a history of ovarian cysts and endometriosis so I was no stranger to the ebb and flow of the hormonal roller coaster. Because of this I wasn’t on the lookout for these symptoms. I do remember looking back on it that I kept saying that I didn’t feel normal and that I felt a little off. When it would hit me the worst a couple different reactions would happen. It would always hit me when I was at my peak of sleep deprivation or peak stress. I would just completely shut down, I would have trouble breathing and I would feel a little out of it. My heart would always race and I would try to explain it away with saying maybe I drank too much coffee. I remember when Ellie was about 9 months, she was cutting several teeth at once and I was at my breaking point. I was overwhelmed and just started panicking. I called my mom and had her come over and I laid on the floor and just sobbed. It is always a big deal for me to ask for help because I am terrible at it. I kept saying over and over, “I just can’t do this, I’m not cut out for this, Ellie deserves better.” It is a completely debilitating feeling when you just feel stuck and paralyzed. Now what is crazy is once I figured out what it was I could identify it and start fighting it better. I thought that when Shaylee was born and I was ready to face it. Except it presented itself completely differently this time. It showed up half way through my pregnancy with Shay and showed itself in really weird ways. Now it was whenever I would feel like I had lost control of a situation (ie: Ellie had a meltdown, both girls crying at the same time, Ellie talking back, me feeling overwhelmed) I would feel like one of two things would happen. Either I would completely become paralyzed and hyperventilate or the new symptom was anger. This fire in my stomach would consume me and I would just become so angry. It was a weird type of mad. I was mad that I couldn’t get control of my kids, it was an anger that was wrapped up in shame and defeat. An anger based on FEAR. Fear that I was losing control. Now I recognized what was happening so I was able to start identifying it and chill out. However that feeling of bubbling rage was a new and scary feeling for me. It happens when I feel like I can’t do it all. I am a perfectionist and I want to be able to be superwoman. It kills me when I can’t have control over everything in my life and unfortunately, when you become a mama, control is the first thing that goes out the window. Let me say this, what you’re feeling is normal when your hormones have done some crazy things. Let me encourage you to not let it consume you and change you. Go talk to someone. Counseling and therapy are HIGHLY underrated. Talk to your dr. about the emotions and fears you are experiencing and what you need to do to feel more like yourself again. Whether that is medicine or weekly therapy or maybe it is just working out more during the weak. Whatever you need to do to feel like yourself again do it! Do it for you and do it for your family. You are not weak, you are not a failure, you are not a bad mad, you are not crazy, it will pass and the sun will shine tomorrow. Do not wait as long as I did to ask for help and communicate how you are feeling.

Now here is the good news. While all of that makes motherhood seem like it’s not worth it I can readily assure you that it is. When Ellie runs toward me with arms open wide smiling I am a puddle. I forget that two seconds before that she may have hit me in the face for taking away her goldfish! (Yes, we are working on discipline… lol) That moment when Shaylee finally relaxes and falls asleep and I trace her face and memorize each dimple is pure magic. Do not wish these hard years away, equip yourself with ways to cope through some of the harder moments. Take care of your mental health so that you can be present and notice the magic in their smiles and laughter. These first few months are tough, but as I hold my 9 month old who is anything but a baby I realize how fast it goes. The days are long but the years are short. Take care of yourself first so that you can enjoy the little moments. Show yourself grace as you get to know the new you. You were given these babies for a reason. You were always meant to be their mother. You are their whole world. Your baby wasn’t the only one born that day, so were you. Fix your crown mama, you’re a queen!

XOXO, KB