I Choose You

If you have been following along with my journey in the past 7 months you have probably seen lots of ups and downs. This year has been hard on every one I have talked to. I wish there was a reset button, but alas… we keep on keepin’ on.

I was on Marco Polo today (an app that lets you send video messages back and forth) and one of my friends said something that sincerely brought unexpected tears into my eyes. “I have loved you for so long and I keep choosing you as a friend.”

It was so simple. I keep choosing you. Wow.

I don’t know why it hit me so hard. I think the hard part of me understanding myself is combing through old wounds and things that I have gone through and learning to let things go. I recognize that when I love, I love hard. I am often the one in relationships to jump out with both feet, without a parachute, screaming I love you all the way down to the ground. I feel the impact harder because I promised myself, and everyone else, that I didn’t need to guard myself this time. This time was different, he was different. I’m the girl that roommates and friends would jokingly ask “so are you planning your wedding?” after a first date, knowing I totally was. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I was the girl who couldn’t sleep after dates because I would comb through every conversation we had at dinner hoping a praying I said the right thing. I was notoriously the friend who introduced people who then became best friends and no longer needed me. I was the girl you call at 3 am when you’re drunk and need help but often left out of the initial gathering. I suffered from trying desperately to not overshare and make things awkward but still tying to be vulnerable. Part of that was the undiagnosed ADHD that I was dealing with. Gosh, there were so many rules I had in my head when hanging out with friends or especially on a date. I was the girl that the 1st date was always SUPER awkward because I never new how to relax and be myself. I was so scared of rejection that I became so good at pretending to be whatever I thought someone wanted. I knew Peter was the one because I never felt the pressure to be anything other than myself. He fell for me when I was being the 100% authentic me. I never have to be anything else. ❤️

I realized that as you start to care less what people think, you are left with the power of choice.

Choice.

It has so much more power than you think it does. I use it on my toddlers all the time. You can either play with your dolls for 2 more mins or watch Mickey. Your choice. I have been noticing the power in my own life lately. That new feature on the iPhone that tells you how much time you have been on your phone is so convicting. I remember the first time the screen time was over a couple hours I about lost it. Now I know some of that is talking to someone or answering an email, but seriously, 4-5 hours lost on a tiny screen. That was my choice.

I spend a lot of that time on social media, how many hours wasted scrolling and scrolling.

I am just trying to fill the void.

Is it making me a better person? How do I feel when I exit the screen? Am I jealous? Am I more self conscious? Am I angry? What benefit have I gained? Again, it’s my choice.

I recently went on an unfollowing frenzy on all my social media accounts. I found the power of the mute button and muted several accounts. I then felt guilty about it, like they know that I muted them but I got over it. Because it’s my choice.

I may not have control over a lot of things right now, but what I do have control over is what I am allowing in to my mind and into my heart.

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Luke 6:45

{Stored up}. Means that there is space in our hearts to fill.

Have you ever had an outburst on a stressful day? When something that comes out of your mouth actually surprises you? You think, “where are earth did that come from?” It’s been stored up. It happens to me, it’s always a gently (or not so gentle) reminder to check what I have allowed into my life.

I know that I personally need to be careful with how many fitness people I follow. Being totally vulnerable and truthful, it is unhealthy for me to obsess over new workouts and trying to look like someone else. I get off those pages and spend way to long looking at myself in the mirror judging my changing body and my loose skin. How dare I mock the skin the housed my two greatest miracles. It is my choice how I view myself. My choice.

I also need to be careful how many fashion bloggers I follow. I love shopping. It’s actual therapy to me but if I want to stick to a budget that my husband and I set, I need to be careful what I am looking at on a daily basis.

I get to choose what my eyes see and what my ears hear.

I get to choose who is in my life.

I get to choose the fiends I have.

I get to choose my inner circle.

I get to choose what music I listen to (well me and my two toddlers… )

I get to choose the movies I see.

I get to choose who can influence me.

I get to choose who to follow.

The most powerful choice? Choosing to follow Jesus. I love that He has enough grace and love to make it our choice.

It’s bold, it’s graceful and it is full of reckless love.

It is powerful if you think about it. Especially in todays culture where everyone has something to say about everyone, you can choose who you listen to. In a culture that pressures women to look a certain way, choose who can motivate you. In a culture that pressure women to shrink both physically and mentally, choose to stand tall and take up space.

Choose very carefully and wisely who you give permission to speak into your life.

I have carried baggage after baggage of lies and hurtful words because I gave the wrong people permission to speak into my heart. I chose to hand over the pen of my story to men who were reckless and immature and friends who were on there to suck me dry.

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Elenore Roosevelt.

It’s your choice, babe.

It may be time to take back your pen.

I tear up thinking about the people that speak into my life today.

Life is more powerful when you realize you get to choose.

There is much power in the choice.

Choose wisely, my friend.

XOXO, KB