A Thriving Marriage in the Midst of Parenthood!
Hey guys!! I am so excited about this post. It is such an honor to introduce you to Ashley Goldman. She is a beautiful wife and mama to the absolute most adorable little boy!! She recently just launched her new blog called The Homebody Blog. It’s amazing! I met Ashley in college at Lee University. We were in the same sorority together. It is crazy how time doesn’t stop and now we are both wives and mothers!! Definitely check her out!!
Have a beautiful Wednesday!!
XOXO, KB
Without further ado:
A Thriving Marriage in the Midst of Parenthood? It IS Possible.
I want to preface that thriving is not perfection. Craig and I are so.far.from.perfect. Literally this morning I wanted to make some bread, but then decided I was too tired to do so. And then I got mad at Craig for not making it for me… yup.
Thriving to us means saying sorry quickly, trying to look more like Christ daily, having fun with one another, and being on the same team. As we transitioned from just the two of us to a family of three, we knew we had to be extra intentional to thrive in this new season.
One of my greatest fears when thinking about having kids was the thought of what my marriage would look like on the other side. There were parts of me that were scared to have a baby. Scared that someone would get in between and in the way of our marriage. What would children do to our romance? Our sex life? Would we ever go on dates again? Would he love my new body? All these questions and more ran through my head. We also had people tell us how hard the newborn stage is and that we should prepare for a rocky marriage and lots of tension at first (really not helpful advice by the way). With all of these thoughts and whispers in our ears, I started to pray and then believe that we could still thrive while being new parents.
Spoiler alert: We have found that marriage with a baby is so different from marriage when it was just us, but it is so good, so rich, and so rewarding. It has been very unifying for us to work towards this common goal of successful and healthy parenthood. It has brought us to a deeper place of dependency on Jesus and love for one another. Seeing your spouse love your tiny human as much as you do is beautiful. But this rewarding experience has required intentional care from the beginning.
When we found out we were pregnant and began preparing for parenthood, we obviously spent a lot of time thinking about Porter. But during this season, Craig and I also took time to explore what it would look like to “baby proof” our marriage. We knew that having a solid marriage to model to our children was important. We want to always show our kids that we love each other and that we are on the same team, but this takes work and an extreme amount of intentionality.
We set a goal to go on a date the first month of parenthood. We knew those first few weeks would be challenging, and we wanted to get away and remember who we were again. At four weeks postpartum, Craig took me on a date. I remember it was one of the first times I did my hair and makeup in a month and I literally felt like a normal human again. We were exhausted and in a daze, but we went on a lunch date to our favorite spot while Grandma watched Porter. It was so refreshing and we knew this needed to become a regular thing. Date nights and getting out and having fun (as much as that new baby season allows) is part of how we keep our marriage thriving.
One of the biggest blessings to our marriage those first few months was splitting the baby duties and doing the middle of the night wake-ups together. We had a system down where Craig had the monitor on his side and would wake up when Porter started crying, change him, and then come wake me up to feed him. I would then take over and feed Porter and lay him back down. This system worked so well for us because it lightened my load and made me feel less alone in the middle of the night. We were in it together. It also helped me not have resentment or bitterness towards Craig since I felt like we were pitching in equally. Craig also did diapers when he was home - that was his thing and I fed him. Splitting up the newborn duties and being co-parents through the days and nights was huge for us.
Another way we kept a thriving marriage with a new baby was always trying to serve one another. A huge blessing the first few months was Craig bringing me water once I started to breastfeed. When I sat down in the glider, that was his cue to fill my water cup. Such a small thing, but a HUGE blessing to a thirsty, nursing mama. Consistent acts of service are still so hard for us at times because our natural human tendency is to be selfish and look for ways to bring more comfort to ourselves. But it’s so important, and we found this to be a crucial piece to a solid marriage those first few months with a new baby. Thinking less about our own needs and more about each other allowed us to serve and bless one another.
Finally, you are on the same team as your spouse. I had to get to a place (and still have to) of realizing I am not against nor do I want to be against Craig— we are one. It is soooo dang easy to take my crap out on him when I am battling all kinds of emotions internally. Your spouse makes an easy punching bag, but don’t let yourself go there. You are fighting together not against each other. This principle has literally changed our marriage and now when we start to come at each other, one of us will remind the other one that “we play on the same team.”
As Porter gets older we will enter into new and different seasons of our marriage and some may be more challenging than others. But what I have learned is that having a baby can make your marriage richer, deeper and produce an even greater level of intimacy. It is still possible to be totally in love in the midst of a challenging season. 2019 brought hard days, low valleys and so many unknowns, but the beautiful thing about it was that Craig and I have never felt closer or more on the same team.
I would love to hear from you. What things do you do to maintain a thriving marriage in all seasons of life?