The Relationship Chameleon

The Relationship Chameleon

My struggle with social chameleonism

“Tell Me about it… Stud.”

Listen, judge me if you must but Grease has remained in my top 10 favorite movies for quite sometime and I don’t think that will change anytime soon. To be honest I have always felt a little like Sandra D. A little reserved, quiet, ‘hopelessly devoted’ and I frequently in high school got made fun of for being a ‘Goody-two-shoes’. I think one of my favorite moments in the movie is when Sandy comes out in her leather outfit, smoking and showing off how B.A. she really is inside (I’m not endorsing smoking here ppl!). However as much as I love that and support female empowerment and finding your inner bad chick, there is something about that scene that bothered me the last time I watched it. I watched Sandy on the hill after the race singing that she must, “Start a new!” So she asks Frenchy to help her basically get a whole makeover! The leather leggings, the red heels and the jacket is so iconic, and if Sandy wanted a makeover because she was trying something new or just wanted a new fresh look, I’d love it! I am all for changing your look! I change my hair style every six months! (pre- corona of course…because these roots though😂) This is about the fact that she decided to change her entire look while entertaining the lie that she will never be good enough for Danny unless she changes. The last time I watched Sandy come out looking all BAD my heart sank and for the first time as I slowly realized… wait, I do that. At some point in every relationship I have ever been in I pull a Sandy. I slap on my metaphorical leather leggings and heels to become what I think the current boyfriend really wants. I historically downplay who I actually am and the feelings I actually have to become the ‘perfect girlfriend’ for whoever I am dating at the time.

I am a relational chameleon. I change my color based on who I am with to make them happy. I change little bits of who I am to be “good enough” for whoever I am with.

I have a fear of rejection and inadequacy so I often find myself trying to be what other people want me to be. This doesn’t just happen in dating relationships, but in friendships and family too. Listen, let me clear something up real quick. I still love that scene in Grease. I love the idea of allowing something that is ALREADY inside you to blossom, come to the surface, and be seen for who you really are. I think it was a blessing that when I met my husband I wasn’t looking for a relationship so I was able to be 100% me. It was even more amazing when I realized that he fell for the absolute real, authentic me. I didn’t have to dumb down or try to be smarter, I didn’t have to be sexier, or try to act more modest, I didn’t need to appear funnier or wittier than I actually was because he fell for me exactly as I was. The root issue of why I used to change for whoever I was with was because on some level I didn’t believe I was worthy of being loved for who I was.

“You accept the love you think you deserve” - perks of being a wallflower

I didn’t have the confidence or the self esteem to notice myself changing for whoever I was with. Now some of that can be blamed on whatever guy I may have been with at the time, but I will take most of the blame because I could have recognized what I deserved and taken the exit ramp before I changed who I was at my core. I am also a horrible people pleaser, so if you add that little fact on top of wanting to be liked it makes dating SUPER FUN! Thank God that is behind me. If you find yourself where I was I encourage you to shed your chameleon skin.

Stop playing small, or for that matter stop playing and just BE.

BE YOU.

I stayed in relationships and changed who I was because I thought, at the time, that was my only option. When you’re in too deep, you believe the lie that ‘he may be the only one who will love me, so I have to change and be who he wants, I have to compromise to make him happy and I can make myself into the girl he actually wants.’ Slowly, without even realizing it, I would hand the chisel to whoever I was with and allow them to shape me into what they wanted me to be. I laugh too loud? Chisel. I am not sexy enough? Chisel. I am too loud? Chisel, I’ll learn to be softer. I’m not modest enough? I’ll layer up, chisel. I am not spiritual enough? I’ll study more theology to impress you, chisel. I am not pretty enough? Chisel. I need to dress up more? Chisel. You think I am a prude? Maybe I can push my boundaries even though they are important to me…. SLEDGEHAMMER.

I’m gonna say this very loudly. Never allow a guy to make you feel uncomfortable in any situation. If you feel pressured to “PROVE” your love, GET OUT. That is not love. That is manipulation. If he asks you to change your core values and beliefs… RUN. If he asks you to change any part of your heart or the core of who you are. IT. IS. NOT. WORTH. IT. That is not love, babe.

Hindsight is definitely 20/20, but when you get your heart involved, vision tends to get a little foggy. You start to make little compromises along the way and soon enough you realize you are so far from who you really are you can’t even recognize yourself in the mirror. I’ve been there.

Ive been the girl who all of a sudden loves running because the guy she has a crush on likes to run…. In fact I actually hurt my hip flexor running one time because I was training too hard so that I could run with him. *FACE PALM* I wanted to be that cute running girl that ran and made it look effortless when in reality, I am soaking wet, can’t breathe, hair lookin like a birds nest, cramping and awkwardly tripping over my feet.. IT IS NOT WORTH IT LADIES.

Let me stop here and say that trying new things for your partner is totally normal! I hate sports, yet I love my hubby by watching MSU sports and cheering on our team. He knows that I am doing that to love on him and I don’t have change one thing about myself to do that! I think once you figure out who you are and what you love about yourself the foggy vision starts to become clear. For me it was realizing that I am a workmanship of Christ and He made me a certain way for a reason.

“For we are Gods WORKMANSHIP created in Christ Jesus, to do good works, which God has planned in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:10 #DTID

He formed me in a way that the RIGHT person will love me for who I am, not who I am pretending to be. He created me the way he did for a purpose. There is no reason to change for a relationship when someone out there will love you for EXACTLY WHO YOU WERE CREATED TO BE. Sorry for the caps, I just get super passionate about these things.

If a guy likes you, he will do something about it. You don’t need to change, put on more makeup, wear less makeup, wear better shoes, dress up, dress down, play smarter or dumber, you don’t have to change the way you walk or talk, you shouldn’t have to pretend you are an amazing cook if you aren’t, you shouldn’t have to download his favorite band and pretend there yours too, girl you don’t have to!  Once you start changing your metaphorical skin to “fit his needs” you slowly start to lose who you are. If he is unsure, MOVE ON!! Girl listen, I know that he’s dreamy, I know he has ‘all the qualities you may be looking for’, but if he’s not into THE REAL YOU…. Get out. Or better yet, let him walk away, because no magic skin change will convince a guy to stay that really doesn’t want to. I know.. tough truth. I only say it because I’ve lived it too many times.

I wish I could go back and tell the younger version of myself to stop changing, stop chasing and to just BE. I would have saved myself a lot of heart ache and deep pain from rejection that could have been avoided.

Sometimes, he really is just not that into you. And you know what sister? THANK GOD.

The guy who is, or who will be, is so much better for you. I wish I could’ve known what God had in store for me. The fact that my hubby loves my quirky side that I never showed, that he thinks its cute when I tell bad jokes, or do a weird dance in the hallway, a guy who not only likes my made up songs but makes them up with me, someone who doesn’t judge me when I inevitably spill on my nice dress, who encourages me to be me, a guy who laughs with me when I fall up the stairs, a man who believes in all my dreams and pulls out the real me and celebrates it, a guy who actually likes it better when I don’t wear makeup…

Sister, wait for that man.

It’s time to shed your chameleon skin, and find the color you were meant to be.

And when you do, put on those leather leggings and heels and sing your heart out. You’ve earned it Sandy!

XOXO, KB