But I Don't Want to Grow

Here’s the thing. Friday I posted this really great post about using this time of quarantine to grow in many aspects of your life. (If you missed it you can find it by clicking here) Truly I am very proud of that blog post and I stand by every word. I do want to address one aspect of growth that I didn’t touch on Friday. It’s a roadblock to all of the great progress we can make when we allow ourselves to go through this process.

Simply put: I don’t want to.

I was talking to one of my best friends about our lives and I realized in the span of 20 min we both said the phrase “maybe this is growing me” or “I’m just trying to figure out what this is teaching me” multiple times. I even laughed and said, “I just wrote about how to grow through all of this!!” I got off face time feeling almost convicted of posting such a motivational post when personally deep down I wanted none of it. I made a promise to myself that I would stay transparent and 100% authentic so I wanted to share my heart on this. I assure you that when I wrote that post I truly meant every single word but I want to make it known that there is a side in me that hits the breaks and says, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!” I’ve done that with several things this week. In fact I have joked with those closest to me that my favorite 3 words to say in this season are, “it’s too much!” I am completely human and I can only carry this heavy load for so long before it pours over into my daily life. I have been unmotivated to do many things lately. I stopped my workout routine, I stopped keeping up with housework like I normally do, I stopped singing, I stopped writing, I stopped doing devotions and I even stopped getting ready in the morning. (What I mean by that is I stopped putting on my day time comfy clothes after sleeping in my night time comfy clothes! *Also, need some awesome comfy clothes? click here!! #shamelessplug) Because in this season I feel defeated. I want so badly to be the type of person who has this natural motivation to seize the day when in all actuality I am forcing myself to keep going. Now I will say, a lot of this is because I have two tiny humans that are keeping me hostage throughout the day and while we are safe (not stuck) at home, we are going a little stir crazy! Even so, what am I actually doing to stop myself from sinking into this abyss of giving up?

One of the most un-motivating things in this season that I am struggling with is honestly comparison. This is an ugly truth that I am embarrassed to share but I am hoping there are others who feel the same. I need limit my time on socially media right now. I look at stories of all of these perfect mamas that have it all together, their houses are clean and they have showered, look beautiful and my heart sinks. I look at women with awesome bodies all trimmed, toned and fit, without sagging skin, stretch marks and perky… well everything 😜😂….and I sink lower. I look at peoples happy kids who are sweet and kind and never throw temper tantrums and eat all the food that they are made and I just feel like giving up. I look at fashion bloggers who are buying the latest fashions and I get frustrated when the price tag is 70$ for a t-shit with holes in it. I am jealous of people who know how to delegate in a healthy way and have time to do house projects that at the end of the day I am too tired to tackle. This is just my truth and my struggle. I know that social media is a highlight reel, I get that people put their most manicured selves out for all to see, I just wish we didn’t. This may sound super melancholy and a little overdramatic and I wish it wasn't, but it is. I compare myself to everyone. I wish I didn’t, but I do. This is also coming from someone who is ALL about female empowerment and encouraging our sisters to go be great! I get so pumped for my friends when they are out there kicking butt and taking names. I love seeing these women conquering their goals but I wish that I could do that from a place of complete confidence in who I am! I know that I have a plan and a purpose that God has uniquely set out for me but that beautiful fact gets lost in my head when I start comparing my struggles and my failures against everyones success. In this time of growth, if you need to limit your social media interacting…. DO IT.

Growing is hard. Change is hard. This season is hard. I am an introvert so part of me appreciates the time away, but I am also a social introvert that loves people. I am also being forced to “care” for my friends and family over Skype and face time and it is killing me. I have used several posts talking about staying positive and praying to grow myself through this trail and while I stand by everything I said, I never talked about what to do when you don’t want to.

I don’t have a magic formula for you today, I don’t have ten steps to bounce back when you feel like staying in bed and I don’t have a motivational speech that will receive a standing ovation and get people inspired. All I can say is, “I get it.” That is really it. I understand not wanting to grow anymore. I understand needing a break from this process of life and growth and self improvement. All I know is that this morning I am pushing the reset button. I do believe that there is power in the fight and I believe there is beauty in the struggle. I believe that sometimes pushing yourself when no one else can is actually pretty powerful. So here I am, creating a schedule, about to hit play on my workout video, about to shower and get ready for the day and maybe try allowing the change to happen naturally.

All I want you to know today is that if you are feeling unmotivated, down, burdened and tired of the growing process you are not alone. (I am raising my hand in solidarity, no really, I raised my hand in the middle of my dark living room at 6am haha) I know that pushing yourself takes time and I know that sometimes you need to take a break from it all. I get it more than you know. Let’s motivate each other, let’s share our ugly emotions, let’s encourage one another and let’s hold on tight as we dive into this process of change.

“If you aren’t willing to put your comfort at risk, you’d better prepare tousled to settle for a mediocre life.” -Dave Hollis

Yesterday I took the girls outside to get some sunshine and air. I found some chalk and let Ellie draw some things on the sidewalk. For some reason I decided to color a rainbow, or as my two year old calls it a ‘raiddow’. I got done drawing it and laughed because it looked so pretty but the ground it was on looked dirty. I said to myself, “we really need to power wash our front steps.” I took a picture of it and before I posted it yesterday I stopped and judged myself and my house, embarrassed by something that no one REALLY cares about. I was thinking about it and realized the beauty in the rainbow. God sent a rainbow to Noah after He flooded the earth. It was Gods promise to Noah and to the future generations.

-12 Then God said, “I am giving you a sign of my covenant with you and with all living creatures, for all generations to come. 13 I have placed my rainbow in the clouds. It is the sign of my covenant with you and with all the earth. 14 When I send clouds over the earth, the rainbow will appear in the clouds, 15 and I will remember my covenant with you and with all living creatures. Never again will the floodwaters destroy all life.”

Gods promise. He keeps his promises. Even in this crazy pandemic. Even when I feel unmotivated I will look for rainbow. When I feel inadequate I will look for a rainbow. When I feel the weight of all the burdens I carry I will continue to look for the rainbow. He will never leave us nor forsake us. (Hebrews 13:5) This process of growing is painful and frustrating, trust in the process and know that you are never alone.

XOXO, KB