Grace Upon Grace — MindfullyMendedMama

“Hey you! Yes, YOU! You can do this! I know you want to quit, but you can do this. I know this is hard, but you can do this. You can keep going. You are not failing. You were made to keep going. You can do this!! You’ve got this!”

-I shouted at myself in the mirror.

Quarantine Day 42.

Honestly, I am done. I am worn and I am weary. I feel like the plates that I have been successfully spinning and balancing are all crashing down all around me. That is my super melodramatic way of saying that I am done with this mess. I feel like we are stuck in our own version of Groundhog Day. I am weary and worn from watching the news and seeing the heaviness all over the world. I am worn from trying to keep the house and everyone in it together and in order. I am heartbroken from not being able to see friends and family. Plus as much as I am grateful for my precious hubby and kids, I think we are all getting tired of each other. I find myself going out of my way to talk to my neighbors on our daily walk just to have some sort of human interaction other than my immediate family. This is coming from an introvert, so I can only imagine how my extrovert friends are doing.

I’m over it.

I have grieved (see my post of that!) and now I just feel over this.

I hope you see my heart in this. In no way am I downplaying the struggle that my friends in the health field are experiencing or the weight that is felt from losing friends and family due to this virus. I am just staying that the weight of all of it is starting to prove too heavy for my shoulders and for my heart.

Lately I have found myself struggling with feeling guilty and being judgmental. Not of other people but of myself. I have been so critical of myself. When it is raining or extra cold and I hand my kids their tablets, I judge myself for the extra screen time. When we are running low on food and I cook something unnutrious, I judge myself. When I lose my patience with my husband, I judge myself. When I tell my daughter I need a break from playing dolls, I judge myself. When I sleep in and miss a workout, I judge myself. When I eat another bowl of ice cream or more snacks, I judge myself. You get the point, I am really judging my every move. I feel like I am failing at this isolation thing and there aren’t even any rules!

This is not normal, there is no right way to get through this!

John 1:15-17.

15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.

The Amplified Bible translates John 1:16 this way: “Out of His fullness [the superabundance of His grace and truth] we have all received grace upon grace [spiritual blessing upon spiritual blessing, favor upon favor, and gift heaped upon gift].”

Grace Upon Grace.

I will never understand the amount of grace that Jesus possesses. He is grace. He is full of it. It is who He is. So when He gives us grace, we get a double portion. I like to to think of it as a river of grace, and we just get jump in the deep end. It is the most beautiful expression of love to give the amount of grace He gives. It is a fresh start every single day. It is much more than just a slate wiped clean, it is the purest form of love. It forgiveness with absolutely no shame attached. It is a love that will never run out regardless of our past.

Grace is a beautiful expression of love.

How can I accept grace from my God, but not myself?

If I truly accept grace from the Lord everyday, why is it that I cannot accept it from myself. I should show myself that kind of love and acceptance. A non judgmental self love. We need it, especially now.

Show yourself some grace.

Stop feeling guilty, stop judging yourself. You are not perfect. I want to get to the point where I appreciate failing, because I know that I am one step closer to achieving my goals. I just have to give myself grace, be patient with this season and learn how to stand back up.

My two year old daughter, Ellie, gets incredibly frustrated when the tower of blocks she has been meticulously building accidentally gets knocked over. She has full on meltdowns. I got frustrated with her the other day after the 10th meltdown when the tower fell over and found myself saying to her, “Hey that’s what happens, things fall over, there is no need to get this frustrated by it!” God very gently in that moment gave me a gentle reminder. How is that any different from the temper tantrums you throw when things you care about fall apart? It’s not. The only difference is that she is 2 and I am 30. Our towers may be different but we feel them the same emotions. In that moment I switched my parenting approach and empathized with her. Every time the tower fell down I said, “Now what happens when you fall down? You learn to pick yourself back up!” Now she builds towers with the intention of failing to build it back up in a different way! Wouldn’t it be awesome if I had the same approach to life!!

When we fall, or fail, the world keeps turning and we learn to pick ourselves up and try a different way.

We don’t feel guilty, or shameful and we don’t judge the way we fall! We simply stand back up. Full of grace!

Take a breath and realize that this season is not forever. You are doing the best you can, and your best is good enough. You are showing up every day and that is to be applauded. We just need to learn to get back up when we fall.

“You are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works which God has prepared in advance for you to do.” Ephesians 2:10

You are a workmanship and you deserve grace. Take it one day at a time and allow yourself to make mistakes, and be ok if the tower falls over. Allow yourself to redefine your expectations during this time. You are not called to be perfect, you are called to a standard of grace!

If you are like me, you would argue and say, “but I don’t have enough grace for myself.”

Good thing there is a source whose grace is never ending.

2 Corinthians 12:9 “9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

His grace is enough for you, when you feel like you are dry and empty you can go to the source. The weight is heavy, and we are definitely experiencing weakness. I am so thankful that His grace is enough for me and that I can hold myself to a standard of grace and not perfection.

You are enough.

Grace Upon Grace.

XOXO, KB