My Best Friend’s Baby

My Best Friend’s Baby

Kristen and I have talked about this blog for a while. It’s a blog sort of in response to “An Open Letter to my Friends Without Kids.” I also want to mention that we had this conversation before that blog came out. As we talk about growing up, we talk about friends having kids all around us. What we don’t talk about is how that event changes the friendship. So, your friend just had a baby? This blog is for you. (Okay, it’s for the mamas too.)

I used to be terrified of children. Okay, not terrified, but I just didn’t know how to act around them. I listened to Kristen talk about having kids one day and saw her struggles through her various surgeries, etc. And then it happened. MY GIRL WAS PREGGOOOOO. My best friend was finally going to have the baby she always wanted and technically wasn’t supposed to be able to have. We were so excited! So, she had the baby….and I sort of disappeared. 

My context around mothers and their newborns was always “DON’T WAKE THE BABY” or ‘THE BABY IS SLEEPING!!!!!” or “Hold on, the baby is crying….” (cue the pause in conversation, chaos ensuing to try and soothe the baby, and what were we talking about again?). My personal understanding was to just stay out of the way. That was how to help. I have no idea where this stemmed from, perhaps TV and movies? Regardless, it was clearly not correct. 

At the time, I lived about an hour away and drove down on occasion. It was hard enough to find time to come down with our work schedules. It’s also harder when both of you have undiagnosed ADHD and both notorious for not texting back. (Disclaimer, this has not changed since we’ve both been diagnosed and medicated HAHA.) It’s probably the time in our friendship where we talked the least and I hate that. The reality was that I had no idea how to handle a friend with a newborn. I knew other people that had children, but they weren’t people I was used to talking to every day. One time I had an early flight out of the airport closest to her house. I wanted to stay the night so I didn’t have to drive the extra hour in the morning. You know who I called? Her mom. I asked if I could stay with them instead of Kristen. My thought was if I was staying the night, what if I bother the baby? What if I wake her up in the morning when I know both Kristen and Ellie need their sleep? Luckily, Mama Laurie gently advised me to stay with Kristen. “She would really love that,” she said. I’m so glad I did. It was literally fine. The best part? I got to watch my best friend figure out how to be a new mom. Let me tell you, she was tired, but she was ROCKING IT. (And still is.)

We don’t know what we’re doing either. Heck, we don’t even know what you’re doing! There is no handbook on how to be the kidless friend or the cool aunt. The rules of friendship don’t change when one has a child. You still check in. Your mama friend's entire world just turned upside down. She probably wasn’t expecting the gravity of the life shift. No one can really prepare you. Don’t shy away from it. Walk through it with her however you can. 

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have regrets from what feels like lost time. As time went on, I learned how to support. Do you have a new mama friend you haven’t heard from in a while?

- Go watch the kids while she takes a real shower and naps. 

- Ask about what she’s learning lately. Trust me, she’s learning A LOT. 

- Bring/make food and make sure she eats.

- Run errands at the store (or you stay home and let her see what the outside world looks like these days).

- “How are you doing? Okay, how are you really doing?”

- Learn how to bottle feed and change a diaper.

- Take pictures of her with her kids.

- Babysit while they go on a date night.

- Come in and clean. 

- Tell her she looks pretty.

- Tell her she’s doing a great job.

- General, unrelenting patience.

4 years later?

It’s my two best friends and their mom. They live even further away now, but we FaceTime almost every day. I love those girls and thrive as Aunt Kaylee. They are HILARIOUS, strong-willed, empathetic, and a perfect mix of their parents. I still get to watch my bff rock her role as a mom and am silently taking notes. Do aspects of motherhood still terrify me? Sure do. But at least I have a realistic idea of what’s coming and how to handle it. 

Does our friendship look like it did when we were in college? Lol, nope. It’s better. Although, I would still take a night for us to watch New Girl and demolish an extra large pizza on our own. Now, it looks like taking my girl to roam around some store and grab coffee while the grandparents babysit when she’s in town. It looks like talking about therapy. It looks like eating breakfast or lunch together over FaceTime. It looks like ranting about world events. It looks like checking in with each other and speaking up when we need help. It looks like giggling at the same stupid stuff we’ve always giggled about.

Dear mama friends, you have nothing to apologize for and you’re doing a great job. 

Kidless friends, check on your mama friends. They need you. 

Love, 

Aunt Kaylee